With Spring nudging its green shoots of recovery through the cracked, grit scattered, dog excrement smeared pavement of the world fashion scene (last winter was not good for me), now is the perfect time to be stocking up your wardrobe on this season’s latest fashion outings.
High fashion is all about seeing and being seen but it can be an expensive business!
Where else but in clothing would you feel obliged to throw out a perfectly good functioning and expensive object and replace it with a different perfectly expensive possibly less practical object simply because someone who spends all their day drinking champagne and telling rich people they look amazing and who has pages and pages of highly glossy, terrible-for-the-environment heavyweight print to publish each week while exploiting often poorly paid girls who are under constant pressure to look medically critically thin just so they can kick of their Guiseppe Zanotti Coleen high heels at the end of the day and feel like they’ve risen above their silver spoon pre-paid un-earned existence and achieved something with their pointlessly privileged lives tells you, to at your expense, for the advice? Only in fashion that’s what.
And we can’t all afford to change our wardrobe when we work for next to nothing so to help ease the pain I’ve drawn together some handy hints on how to get more out of your budget when it comes to fashion with my guide to Fashion on a Budget.
Winter into Spring
Winter was all about dark brooding hues with splashes of bright colours and long nights waiting for your friends in sleazy bars and wasting all your best outfits when they’d ditched you out for their new “boyfriends” and anyway we don’t all have to do the same things all the time do we? So time to move on. Besides it was all hidden safely under bog standard off-the-peg-duffel coats. But this Spring it’s all about vibrant patterns and clashing fabric choices.
Proper fashion can come in at eye-watering prices. Try taking two old patterned shirts and cutting them in half down the middle. Gaffer tape the back and button together or glue together with epoxy resin at the front. The more clashing the patterns the more likely you are to turn heads and cause epileptic seizures. Why not try more than two shirts – or simply pull a patchwork quilt over your head and cut two holes for the arms and an optional one for your head depending on how gorgeous you are. Accessorise with strings of scissors round your neck and sellotape tassels.
Bedouin Chic and Flamenco Bedwear
Spring is also about flounce and flair with bold stripes and a middle-eastern bedouin feel. Pack lightweight trouser pockets full of sand to give that genuine – just out the desert feel or explosives.
Flamenco bedwear is also hot this Spring. so jazz up an old nightdress with fake plastic black roses and a healthy dollop of fresh bull’s blood. Alternatively tone down your flamenco outfit with a few Hello Kitty bobbles and a night cap.
Business fashion remains stable around dressing masculine to show the boys you can match them pound for ruddy pound. A pot belly and visible shirt tails is ideal for boardroom chic so aim for a badly ironed shirt and a tie with the knot done in the wrong place. A wedding ring looks good but make sure it can be slid off easily for those strip bar nights. Facial hair, including nasal, ear and extensive eyebrow hair can also add a touch of authentic class, as can going bald but hiding it. Add masculine smells by eating spicy food and swerving basic hygiene expectations.
The Great Wildness.
In the outdoor pursuit range an all-in-one Barbour (TM) onesy is highly desirable this year. Lacking any form of pockets or opening the fit can be tight and at times intimidating but for weather dependent activities it is second to none. Make this yourself by adding a single zip running along every edge and asking a dear friend to zip you in and check on you every few hours.
Finally in sportswear the flexibility and durability of the high-performance fabrics are second to none but they can be extremely pricey. If your commitment to a new fitness regime is highly dependent on having bought the right clothing, a simple towel held with a giant brightly coloured safety pin can be the most effective at mopping sweat, or a simple leotard adorned with stick-on day-glo buttons can give you that motion-capture athleticism and will make creating your self-promotional performance video where you morph into a dinosaur whilst base jumping off mountains much easier in the edit.
Finally a round up of the latest fashions wouldn’t be right without a discussion of shoes. It seems today the choice is all between comfort and fashion. Get round this simple trick by placing your favourite comfy shoes in a stolen Nicole Farhi box with plenty of wrapping, taking them into work then opening them in front of your colleagues. Voila comfortable shoes all day, while your colleagues marvel. Note any scuffs and simply tut and mention you’ll take them back. They will adore you.
That’s it from me. Hope there’s enough to keep you going this Spring and not naked.