London is so the hub of the world food thing at the moment. Everywhere you look there are places to eat. So it must be. And with Valentines Day coming up now’s the time to be treating someone you love – or admire, or want to have carnal squidgy with – by taking them out and watching them eat.
So join me for my weekly [you’ll be lucky – Ed] round-up of places to eat as I gather together all the places to eat and be taken out to dinner. I’m generally free on Thursday evenings. And if you’re reading this Kyle, feel free to you know, just call me, or return my calls or whatever. It’s polite, okay.
So here it is – my round up of the best places to eat in London for Valentines day or not.
The Beardy Guzzler – Shoreditch High St.
Upmarket cardboard food served on cardboard plates with cardboard cutlery. Bring your own pair of brightly coloured braces, checked shirt and beard. Shit.
Hash Browns – Victoria Park
Where hash cakes meet breakfast. Not ready for your comedown? – come down to Hash Browns. Check with local police for opening hours.
You have to eat it.
Marco Pierre White at Raymond Blanc – Mayfair
They hate each other. Watch them kick seven shades of shit out of each other in the open kitchen while you try to finish an awkward meal with your loved one.
The Veggie Sausage Factory – Farringdon
Churning out indistinguishable vegetable platters since 2003. Unrivalled, if smelly.
The Swinging Fifties Burger Palace – Leicester Square
With genuine swinging. Be prepared to go home with someone twice your age.
Pie and a Pint and a Fight – London Bridge
Special reductions for students. Friday is early bird fight night. And so is the rest of the week.
The Window Cleaning Platform at the Shard. – at the Shard
Enjoy this uniquely terrifying dining experience on a suspended, unstable platform, eighty floors up.
RippOFF – King’s Road
Watch your bill rise eye-wateringly fast as business-savvy michelin star chef Arnold Ripp does you slowly over eighteen minuscule courses, delivered with carefully calculated pretention.
Escalattoria – Russell Square
Novelty Italian dining and the UK’s only restaurant on an escalator. Impossibly erratic service.
The Water Bar – Kennington.
Serving twelve different types of tap water at £8 a bottle. Excellent if you’re keeping an eye on the calories/vitamins/nutrients.
Cafe Rouge Alert – Aldwych
This terrifying dining experience fuses the glamour of nineteen-thirties Paris with the opening few days of the Nazi occupation. Allo Allo it ‘aint.
The Klingon Eatery – Piccadilly
Star Trek themed restaurant serving Klingon inspired dishes and drinks. With everything from the menu to the signs to the toilet in Klingon this is a mind-bogglingly difficult evening.
No! Sushi – Run out apparently.
Findus Keepers – Dalston
Serving original Findus crispy pancakes only – choose from beef and onion, chicken and bacon, fish bits and unclassified. Genuine original Eighties product. Not health rated.
RAW! – Balham
For those who like your meat on the sanguine side. The meat is fresh from the animal to your plate as God intended it if God hated cooking.
There is a chef, but she’s ornamental.
Yep. That’s how it comes.
Kebabylon– Clapham High Street
The place to come eat kebabs when you’re so drunk you can no longer speak. Like the tower of Babylon only made of meat. Mind the sick by the front door.
Well that’s it for this week! Happy Valentines (if you buy that shit).